This entire "debt ceiling" agreement was simply a "cave" on Obama's part…a complete capitulation. I believe he must be thinking that because he's the incumbent that he can do what he wants and Progressives and Dems will all vote for him; if only because he isn't a crazy GOP/TEA person...but he'd better think twice. This WILL lose him votes.
I doubt many Progressives will like this agreement, being that it still will threaten social programs (I don't believe a word of what they're currently saying about not touching them) and because it doesn't TOUCH the rich or the Corporate Fat Cats. I feel as though this agreement makes the point in the clearest possible way that only the rich really "rate" in this country. It's beginning to feel as though anyone but the top 2% needn't even vote (boy, they'd LOVE that!) because they're the only ones who get everything they want and nothing they don't.
In addition, the creation of this "super commission" is a bad thing on several counts; first of all, we already pay our elected officials in Congress to do the People's business...and THEY should be doing it, including whatever they seem to think that this commission will do. They already are overpaid for the amount of work they do, and their vacation schedule makes Europeans look like workaholics...are we now supposed to believe they don't have the TIME?? Besides...they're apparently going to have more power even than the Congress...so the things they do may be pushed through without the requisite notice to the People, the taxpayers who are the targets of the legislation. Even though these commission members will be drawn from people we elected (shudder), we DIDN'T elect them for this. There's too much secrecy already...we don't need a bunch of cloak and dagger crap from people whose salaries we pay.
The biggest reason of all not to support this is that this entire emergency was a ginned-up event, designed to scare everyone into doing things that no one in their right minds would vote for. It's exactly what happened after Sept. 11 when they passed the Patriot Act...and we still haven't gotten rid of that liberty-destroying, civil rights-ignoring legislation.
The FTC and other Consumer groups are always telling people how to avoid being scammed. They always start by telling you NEVER to sign when someone tells you that it's a "limited time offer", or that you'll lose by waiting. By that, you know that you're very likely being danced and that someone nefarious is trying to get his hands in your pocket. Consequently, I'm always queasy when the government starts telling me that it's an emergency and there's no time to research, decide, intervene, etc. -- because it means I'm probably getting hosed.
It's time to make the government "of the People, By the People and For the People" responsible TO the People again. Please...DON'T SUPPORT THIS BILL. In fact, not supporting it isn't enough...I want you to FIGHT IT. Call your Representatives in Congress and tell them NO. Email the White House, and entreat Obama NOT to sign this bill.
Don't give in to the manufactured fear...stand your ground and DEMAND that your Representatives represent YOU and the 98%, not just the Top 2% who put together this monstrosity.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Pro-Choice, Pro-Life, and ORIGINAL SIN…
I'm convinced that Conservatives and Religionists want to make sure that women have no choice about giving birth...that it's meant to be part of our "punishment" for original sin. The Bible said (paraphrasing here) that women would bring forth children in sorrow and pain...and no matter whether or not a woman WANTS to be a mother, or SHOULD be a mother, or CAN AFFORD to be a mother, they want to make certain that we continue to be punished for a Dark Ages concept that has justified (and continues to justify) violence, hatred, abuse of all kinds, discrimination, etc. etc. against women.
The fact is that not everyone is suited to be a mother...and many cannot (and SHOULD NOT) handle it emotionally, financially, physically or otherwise. Woman also get the brunt of the responsibility for any children-emotionally, financially, physically and otherwise...so in the end, the decision should still lie largely with HER. I'm not suggesting that fathers have no rights or anything else...I'm merely suggesting that because biology and society have laid the bulk of the responsibility, pain and everything else about the birth of children at the feet of the mother, then she should be the one who makes the final decision.
How many grievous infanticides, etc. have we seen from mothers who were simply unable to cope for one reason or another with being a mom? And can ANYONE say that Casey Anthony is the kind of person who should have children? I don't see Conservatives trying to help these mothers, or feed and clothe these children. I don't see them recognizing that the Mother is first and foremost a PERSON, a human being, and that she has a right to govern her own body and reproductive capabilities...no, they prefer the rights of a creature that science cannot truly and completely define as viable at the point of conception (no matter what the Right will tell you about this...there has never been a zygote who could survive outside the mother at the point of conception, save the ones in the Petri dishes who are kept alive artificially).
Many men would be horrified if women were given a say in whether or not they could masturbate...or take Viagra...or "dip their wick" wherever they pleased regardless of marital status. Many men ARE horrified and angry over the laws requiring financial support of any progeny they provide half of the genetic material for (although many, many simply don't pay). Many men would be aghast if women (including the women in their lives) were given ANY SAY WHATSOEVER about whether or not they should FATHER children (this includes men who use the potential for having children as a manipulative tool over women as well as men who feel it's their PERSONAL AND SOLE DUTY to spread their seed and repopulate the Earth).
These same men, however, routinely believe that it is somehow THEIR right to decide whether a woman can plan her reproductive life, whether she can decide to have children or not...or how many...or how often. These men apparently miss the obvious double standard here. NO ONE should have the right to tell another that they should or shouldn't have children; Male or Female. No one can or should guess whether anyone else is fit to be a parent (sometimes it may seem more obvious than others, but still...). In spite of all that, there is a huge group of men (and the women they've cowed) who believe that the Congress of the United States (or even the Supreme Court) has a right to command women in this regard...to legislate the right (or in this case, the requirement) of women to have or NOT HAVE children.
Here's a news flash...there is NOTHING that grants anyone but the woman involved this right...NOTHING. Not the BIBLE, that massive mythology that underpins so much of the Conservatives' terrorism (that's right...I said it...TERRORISM); not the Church...and certainly not "Original Sin" which is perhaps the stupidest concept ever dreamt up. It was dreamt up by a belief system and Church structure that was jealous of women's biological ability to give birth, and of the matrilineal tribal/clan systems that held so much political and personal power through the ages. In order to disempower the Clan Mothers and the Wise Women, the Church demonized this most natural and biological of functions, forever damning it with the spectre of "ORIGINAL SIN".
By so doing, not only were women forever disempowered in the Faith, but they were also made the most convenient scapegoat for virtually everything...some men's inability to resist temptation, disease, even crop failure. It also gave them a terrible and effective weapon to use (and use it they did) in order to seize women's lands and chattel (which was the real cause of the witch and heretic murders committed through history) and which is now being used to justify the utter control of women's bodies and women's politics. It's WRONG...and it needs to be stopped.
I think you’d be hard put to find a even a single woman in a thousand (regardless of political stripe) who would tell you that they thought that abortion was a good idea. Even those who have had abortions are heavily conflicted about it, despising the necessity even while blessing the availability of it…but they would still tell anyone that there are certainly times when it can be a necessity, whether due to emotional or physical issues or to financial or physiological ones.
The image that many Conservatives have painted this issue with is one that shows the “modern woman”, who basically is a “slut” (one of their favorite words, not mine) and who uses abortion as “birth control”. Fiddle dee dee…! Far from being the truth, this is one of those evil propagandas that has made this entire subject such a hot button one. I feel quite confident in saying that this is simply never true.
Even if it were…wouldn’t that make Conservatives feel as though standard birth control would be a good alternative? You’d think so…and yet they have been going after not just abortion, but birth control and women’s access to it everywhere they think they can. They’ve attacked pharmacies who offer the “morning after pill” (which is NOT, whatever the Conservative’s may say, an ABORTION PILL). They’ve tried to attack our access to birth control economically, attempting to make it so that Insurance Companies don’t have to pay for it…a move which makes it a gross hardship for so many women. They seem to be making every effort to leave women of reproductive age WITHOUT ANY CHOICE AT ALL.
If Conservatives wanted to be decent humans about this, they’d spend more time considering how they might force ‘deadbeat Dads’ to pay support; or adopting more children who are put up for adoption (an alternative they’ve pushed for years, and yet the number of Conservative adoptive parents hasn’t gone up in any substantial way in all that time) or supporting counseling and birth control for drug addicts and alcoholics that would encourage them NOT to have children until they have gotten clean (while I support any woman’s right to have children, I honestly don’t believe that they should be allowed to or encouraged to if they are drug or alcohol addicted; anyone who has ever seen a crack baby, a drug/alcohol addicted child, or a baby dying of AIDS would understand). They would STOP trying to destroy the Health Care Bill and any social safety net the Government provides for women and children. BUT THEY DON’T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS…which to me, at least, puts their “sincere concern” about the health and welfare of these children in grave doubt.
The Conservative Right continues to make this a major plank of their platform, no matter what other major crises are happening. They’ve tried to slide it through buried in other legislation, and I expect they will continue to do so…but women need to rise up and tell them that WE WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. THEY HAVE NO POWER OVER US, AND WE WILL NOT LET THEM GAIN ANY. IT IS NOT THEIR RIGHT TO TELL US WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BODIES – OR TO LEGISLATE OUR FAMILY PLANNING CHOICES IN ANY WAY. IT IS AND SHOULD REMAIN A WOMAN’S RIGHT ONLY.
Fight their insistence on attacking us through legislation, shaming, and other ways. Tell them we will no longer accept ANY males legislating something that is only a woman’s issue…and in particular…tell them that “Original Sin” is bullshit and we will not be beaten with it anymore. Christianity should NOT be a weapon!
To Quote the brilliant Florynce Kennedy: "IF MEN COULD GET PREGNANT, ABORTION WOULD BE A SACRAMENT".
The fact is that not everyone is suited to be a mother...and many cannot (and SHOULD NOT) handle it emotionally, financially, physically or otherwise. Woman also get the brunt of the responsibility for any children-emotionally, financially, physically and otherwise...so in the end, the decision should still lie largely with HER. I'm not suggesting that fathers have no rights or anything else...I'm merely suggesting that because biology and society have laid the bulk of the responsibility, pain and everything else about the birth of children at the feet of the mother, then she should be the one who makes the final decision.
How many grievous infanticides, etc. have we seen from mothers who were simply unable to cope for one reason or another with being a mom? And can ANYONE say that Casey Anthony is the kind of person who should have children? I don't see Conservatives trying to help these mothers, or feed and clothe these children. I don't see them recognizing that the Mother is first and foremost a PERSON, a human being, and that she has a right to govern her own body and reproductive capabilities...no, they prefer the rights of a creature that science cannot truly and completely define as viable at the point of conception (no matter what the Right will tell you about this...there has never been a zygote who could survive outside the mother at the point of conception, save the ones in the Petri dishes who are kept alive artificially).
Many men would be horrified if women were given a say in whether or not they could masturbate...or take Viagra...or "dip their wick" wherever they pleased regardless of marital status. Many men ARE horrified and angry over the laws requiring financial support of any progeny they provide half of the genetic material for (although many, many simply don't pay). Many men would be aghast if women (including the women in their lives) were given ANY SAY WHATSOEVER about whether or not they should FATHER children (this includes men who use the potential for having children as a manipulative tool over women as well as men who feel it's their PERSONAL AND SOLE DUTY to spread their seed and repopulate the Earth).
These same men, however, routinely believe that it is somehow THEIR right to decide whether a woman can plan her reproductive life, whether she can decide to have children or not...or how many...or how often. These men apparently miss the obvious double standard here. NO ONE should have the right to tell another that they should or shouldn't have children; Male or Female. No one can or should guess whether anyone else is fit to be a parent (sometimes it may seem more obvious than others, but still...). In spite of all that, there is a huge group of men (and the women they've cowed) who believe that the Congress of the United States (or even the Supreme Court) has a right to command women in this regard...to legislate the right (or in this case, the requirement) of women to have or NOT HAVE children.
Here's a news flash...there is NOTHING that grants anyone but the woman involved this right...NOTHING. Not the BIBLE, that massive mythology that underpins so much of the Conservatives' terrorism (that's right...I said it...TERRORISM); not the Church...and certainly not "Original Sin" which is perhaps the stupidest concept ever dreamt up. It was dreamt up by a belief system and Church structure that was jealous of women's biological ability to give birth, and of the matrilineal tribal/clan systems that held so much political and personal power through the ages. In order to disempower the Clan Mothers and the Wise Women, the Church demonized this most natural and biological of functions, forever damning it with the spectre of "ORIGINAL SIN".
By so doing, not only were women forever disempowered in the Faith, but they were also made the most convenient scapegoat for virtually everything...some men's inability to resist temptation, disease, even crop failure. It also gave them a terrible and effective weapon to use (and use it they did) in order to seize women's lands and chattel (which was the real cause of the witch and heretic murders committed through history) and which is now being used to justify the utter control of women's bodies and women's politics. It's WRONG...and it needs to be stopped.
I think you’d be hard put to find a even a single woman in a thousand (regardless of political stripe) who would tell you that they thought that abortion was a good idea. Even those who have had abortions are heavily conflicted about it, despising the necessity even while blessing the availability of it…but they would still tell anyone that there are certainly times when it can be a necessity, whether due to emotional or physical issues or to financial or physiological ones.
The image that many Conservatives have painted this issue with is one that shows the “modern woman”, who basically is a “slut” (one of their favorite words, not mine) and who uses abortion as “birth control”. Fiddle dee dee…! Far from being the truth, this is one of those evil propagandas that has made this entire subject such a hot button one. I feel quite confident in saying that this is simply never true.
Even if it were…wouldn’t that make Conservatives feel as though standard birth control would be a good alternative? You’d think so…and yet they have been going after not just abortion, but birth control and women’s access to it everywhere they think they can. They’ve attacked pharmacies who offer the “morning after pill” (which is NOT, whatever the Conservative’s may say, an ABORTION PILL). They’ve tried to attack our access to birth control economically, attempting to make it so that Insurance Companies don’t have to pay for it…a move which makes it a gross hardship for so many women. They seem to be making every effort to leave women of reproductive age WITHOUT ANY CHOICE AT ALL.
If Conservatives wanted to be decent humans about this, they’d spend more time considering how they might force ‘deadbeat Dads’ to pay support; or adopting more children who are put up for adoption (an alternative they’ve pushed for years, and yet the number of Conservative adoptive parents hasn’t gone up in any substantial way in all that time) or supporting counseling and birth control for drug addicts and alcoholics that would encourage them NOT to have children until they have gotten clean (while I support any woman’s right to have children, I honestly don’t believe that they should be allowed to or encouraged to if they are drug or alcohol addicted; anyone who has ever seen a crack baby, a drug/alcohol addicted child, or a baby dying of AIDS would understand). They would STOP trying to destroy the Health Care Bill and any social safety net the Government provides for women and children. BUT THEY DON’T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS…which to me, at least, puts their “sincere concern” about the health and welfare of these children in grave doubt.
The Conservative Right continues to make this a major plank of their platform, no matter what other major crises are happening. They’ve tried to slide it through buried in other legislation, and I expect they will continue to do so…but women need to rise up and tell them that WE WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. THEY HAVE NO POWER OVER US, AND WE WILL NOT LET THEM GAIN ANY. IT IS NOT THEIR RIGHT TO TELL US WHAT TO DO WITH OUR BODIES – OR TO LEGISLATE OUR FAMILY PLANNING CHOICES IN ANY WAY. IT IS AND SHOULD REMAIN A WOMAN’S RIGHT ONLY.
Fight their insistence on attacking us through legislation, shaming, and other ways. Tell them we will no longer accept ANY males legislating something that is only a woman’s issue…and in particular…tell them that “Original Sin” is bullshit and we will not be beaten with it anymore. Christianity should NOT be a weapon!
To Quote the brilliant Florynce Kennedy: "IF MEN COULD GET PREGNANT, ABORTION WOULD BE A SACRAMENT".
Dear Mr. President:
I want to commend you on the patience and restraint it must've taken to walk the "middle path" over these debt negotiations. I admire what seems like your intense wish to be bi-partisan, too, and I know that you must feel almost overwhelmed sometimes, as though there isn't an answer.
For all your good efforts, I feel like now is the time to take conscious and deliberate action. Your predecessors have used Executive Orders many times, and although I know that they were frequently beat on for having done so, I feel as though this situation merits such an action more than any other has. I also believe that you MUST use a "recess appointment" for the wonderful Elizabeth Warren to head up the new Consumer Agency. I know you want to think that there is a bi-partisan way to achieve all this without taking the "nuclear option", but I strongly believe that not to be the case.
Yes, you WILL hear about using either and both of these methods-but you will hear about it anyway. The other side has made it their raison d'etre' to make you a "1 term President" as you know. Nothing you do will escape their reproach, but they and their obstructionist tendencies (not to mention their treasonous tendencies in trying to hold us all hostage so that the country will fall under their control) must NOT be allowed to control the conversation anymore.
They have shown themselves to be autocrats and despots rather than Patriots; and you surely know that the only way for bad to succeed is for good people like yourself to do nothing. YOU MUST ACT-decisively, incisively and FAST.
Please-if you allow them to call the tune now, this country will never again be free from their control, and we will all be held hostage whenever the other side wishes to get their way. This is not a party-centric conversation...I frankly consider myself a member of neither party. Anyone can see, though, what the GOP is trying to do, and it will cause no less than the total destruction of our Democracy and the surrender of this Great Country to the wealthy and unprincipled, to the fanatic and uncompassionate. This country MUST be better than that-to be a great country once again, we must relearn how to be a GOOD country.
Please, Mr. Obama-help us become a GOOD country once again. I realize there is an election on the horizon; but right now, it is the fate of America that matters.
Respectfully,
Nevada S. Huaute
For all your good efforts, I feel like now is the time to take conscious and deliberate action. Your predecessors have used Executive Orders many times, and although I know that they were frequently beat on for having done so, I feel as though this situation merits such an action more than any other has. I also believe that you MUST use a "recess appointment" for the wonderful Elizabeth Warren to head up the new Consumer Agency. I know you want to think that there is a bi-partisan way to achieve all this without taking the "nuclear option", but I strongly believe that not to be the case.
Yes, you WILL hear about using either and both of these methods-but you will hear about it anyway. The other side has made it their raison d'etre' to make you a "1 term President" as you know. Nothing you do will escape their reproach, but they and their obstructionist tendencies (not to mention their treasonous tendencies in trying to hold us all hostage so that the country will fall under their control) must NOT be allowed to control the conversation anymore.
They have shown themselves to be autocrats and despots rather than Patriots; and you surely know that the only way for bad to succeed is for good people like yourself to do nothing. YOU MUST ACT-decisively, incisively and FAST.
Please-if you allow them to call the tune now, this country will never again be free from their control, and we will all be held hostage whenever the other side wishes to get their way. This is not a party-centric conversation...I frankly consider myself a member of neither party. Anyone can see, though, what the GOP is trying to do, and it will cause no less than the total destruction of our Democracy and the surrender of this Great Country to the wealthy and unprincipled, to the fanatic and uncompassionate. This country MUST be better than that-to be a great country once again, we must relearn how to be a GOOD country.
Please, Mr. Obama-help us become a GOOD country once again. I realize there is an election on the horizon; but right now, it is the fate of America that matters.
Respectfully,
Nevada S. Huaute
Sunday, May 22, 2011
To:The Faithful Two Million From:HaroldCamping RE: Last Rapture Note to Followers
Well...I don't have much time. The Angels are here to "Rapture" (EnRapture?? ) the old lady and me, and they told me not to take too long getting ready. After all the millions you've all given for all the billboards, pamphlets and painted RV's, I thought I owed you an explanation for when you find my clothes draped emptily on the ground (that's one bad part about this...I hadn't seen the old lady naked in years! Uggghhhh...not lookin' forward to THAT!<shudder>).
Boy, it's true what your momma always told you about wearing clean underwear...can you imagine if, when the unbelievers find the believer's clothes left behind, they found skidmarks?
I'm taking the money...I mean, c'MON! I figure it oughta be enough to get me that seat on the Right Hand of God...or at least to park half a cheek on a heavenly barstool. By now you all know that I've made millions off of you all...I know the IRS hosed me by releasing those numbers to the media...boy, was I pissed! It's not like it wasn't necessary...I mean, Viagra is damned expensive, and finding young women who don't mind shtupping an old guy costs some cheddar too. Good porn is pretty damned dear these days as well.
Not that young women were all I wanted...I mean, it's true what Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg said on their latest SNL Digital Short...It's Not Gay If It's In A Threesome (and the girls really DO like ‘helicopter dick’...except my helicopter suffers these days from blade droop, know what I'm sayin'?) I mean, with enough coke and enough X, you can get pretty much anything you want.
The ol' lady wasn't happy...I had to keep reminding her to have faith...BLIND faith...as in "Look the other way while the Sacred Head of your Household is gettin' some"! She was okay with it in the beginning...I mean, she figured it saved HER the mess and the aggravation...but as time went on, she started needing Rufies in her Ovaltine every night...then every afternoon too.
She suspected something was going on when she woke up once to see us all sitting there naked, eating pizza and hitting the bong...but I told her it was a dream sent from the Devil...and she BELIEVED ME! You gotta love this "Man rules the house" thing in religion...it really makes things a lot easier when I'm hitting some little Lindsay Lohan analog in the gourmet kitchen (that was thanks to your donations, too...booyah!).
But I digress...before I go, there are some things I need to mention. Apparently I was off on my calculations by a day...my bad! Here was I, being all pissed off when Judgment Day came and went and NO RAPTURE...not even a friggin' "good mood" for fuck's sake. Then when I heard on the news about the Volcano in Finland...or Iceland...shit, I dunno...never could keep those Bjork-sounding mo-fo's straight...anyway, I looked at the wife and said "Shit howdy, Shirl...I must've cocked the date up again...it must actually be TODAY!".
Guess I was off a bit when I said it would begin in Asia, too...what can I say? Geography was never my strong suit...nor, I guess, was Math...color me sheepish, since I was a Mathematician and engineer before I figured out that Religion was where the money really is. I had only said it would start in Asia because I thought they surely had it coming for being Buddhists and shit...and surely God would want to start his reaping there...who knew God was a Reapist? Sorry...just trying to get a few more yuks in before being hauled up to Heaven...I understand they're pretty humorless up there.
Anyway...since I'm leaving with all y'all's money, I can understand that you might be having some crisis of Faith...but don't. SOMEONE will come along soon tofleece…uh…enlighten you, and maybe they'll be better at math than I've been! Cripe...the Angels have been reminding me how many times I've screwed up the date...but c'mon! D'ya know how many damned calendars have been in use through history? Well...I didn't...that's part of the problem, I guess.
As to you all wondering why you're not ALL being "Raptured" too...well...what the Angels are telling me is that your faith just wasn't...uh...FAITHY enough. Well, that and the fact that it turns out that Heaven is kinda like a gated community, and you buggers are kinda like the Pizza boys...you can come in to bring me lots of good stuff, but in the end you still can't live there, y'know? And all that stuff you've always heard about St. Peter keeping the book? Well, he's really just a glorified bouncer ("glorified"-damn, that's pretty funny!) and he ain't gonna let y'all in, even if you say you know me. Don't feel bad about it...even Kirk Cameron got screwed over...bet he's mad as hell, especially after all those "Left Behind" movies. Gee, Kirk, I guess you helped make all that sappy, sucky cinema for NOTHING! PSYCH! Sorry...I don't make the rules...I just make money teaching 'em to you poor ass clowns!
Well...the Angels are starting to get pissed at the delay, so I'd better go. Don't be angry about the money...I mean, seriously...you guys gave me all your money and quit your jobs...just because a pension-aged Mathmetician (I know...not a good one!) told you to do it? I mean, if it hadn't been me taking your money, it would've been some other religious huckster, or maybe some Nigerian scam. Jeezy Chreezy...folks like you make it just too damned easy. People like you make me think that Sarah Palin might actually have a goddamn chance in 2012. What the hell is your malfunction, you crazy b-yotches?
Hmmm...wait...what's this? My wife is telling me she's NOT going? Woo hoo...SCORE! That should make getting some action up there a lot easier for the Campster. Huh? Whatta you mean, you're not Angels? Are you shitting me? Wait, what's that freakin' hypodermic for? Oh, man, that is COLD, Shirley....really cold. Not only am I NOT going to Heaven...but she's having me strait-jacketed and admitted to Camarillo on a recommendation from Dr. Phil...SONOVABITCH! Bad enough to be stuck in the nuthatch...but to be there on a word from a friggin' TV shrink? Whatsa matter, Phil...Britney too sane for you to fuck with nowadays?
The ol' ball and chain says that she's had it with me and my asshat predictions and is gonna take the money and hit the road with Pat Robertson. Boy...you keep a woman in her place for 39 years and this is how she pays you back...goddamn Feminazis...Rush was right. God shoulda left our ribs alone, and let us just keep on wankin' it...we'd have been alot better off...or maybe instead of Him creating women, we could've all just been homos...I mean, they do it in prison, right? She's telling me now that they gay it up in the booby hatch too...I guess it's true that God never closes a door but that he opens a window...better start workin' my helicopter, can I get a what what?
Well...guess that's it. Who'da thunk it? The Rapture's an epic FAIL, my ol' lady's taking it on the lam with a crazy-ass Republican (to his credit, he does have a TV Show) and I'm on the way to the Goodyear Hilton. This totes sucks, man...but hey...at least there'll be a whole new crop of believers there in Camarillo. Just gimme a calendar, a Bible and a calculator...I feel a Rapture comin' on!
Boy, it's true what your momma always told you about wearing clean underwear...can you imagine if, when the unbelievers find the believer's clothes left behind, they found skidmarks?
I'm taking the money...I mean, c'MON! I figure it oughta be enough to get me that seat on the Right Hand of God...or at least to park half a cheek on a heavenly barstool. By now you all know that I've made millions off of you all...I know the IRS hosed me by releasing those numbers to the media...boy, was I pissed! It's not like it wasn't necessary...I mean, Viagra is damned expensive, and finding young women who don't mind shtupping an old guy costs some cheddar too. Good porn is pretty damned dear these days as well.
Not that young women were all I wanted...I mean, it's true what Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg said on their latest SNL Digital Short...It's Not Gay If It's In A Threesome (and the girls really DO like ‘helicopter dick’...except my helicopter suffers these days from blade droop, know what I'm sayin'?) I mean, with enough coke and enough X, you can get pretty much anything you want.
The ol' lady wasn't happy...I had to keep reminding her to have faith...BLIND faith...as in "Look the other way while the Sacred Head of your Household is gettin' some"! She was okay with it in the beginning...I mean, she figured it saved HER the mess and the aggravation...but as time went on, she started needing Rufies in her Ovaltine every night...then every afternoon too.
She suspected something was going on when she woke up once to see us all sitting there naked, eating pizza and hitting the bong...but I told her it was a dream sent from the Devil...and she BELIEVED ME! You gotta love this "Man rules the house" thing in religion...it really makes things a lot easier when I'm hitting some little Lindsay Lohan analog in the gourmet kitchen (that was thanks to your donations, too...booyah!).
But I digress...before I go, there are some things I need to mention. Apparently I was off on my calculations by a day...my bad! Here was I, being all pissed off when Judgment Day came and went and NO RAPTURE...not even a friggin' "good mood" for fuck's sake. Then when I heard on the news about the Volcano in Finland...or Iceland...shit, I dunno...never could keep those Bjork-sounding mo-fo's straight...anyway, I looked at the wife and said "Shit howdy, Shirl...I must've cocked the date up again...it must actually be TODAY!".
Guess I was off a bit when I said it would begin in Asia, too...what can I say? Geography was never my strong suit...nor, I guess, was Math...color me sheepish, since I was a Mathematician and engineer before I figured out that Religion was where the money really is. I had only said it would start in Asia because I thought they surely had it coming for being Buddhists and shit...and surely God would want to start his reaping there...who knew God was a Reapist? Sorry...just trying to get a few more yuks in before being hauled up to Heaven...I understand they're pretty humorless up there.
Anyway...since I'm leaving with all y'all's money, I can understand that you might be having some crisis of Faith...but don't. SOMEONE will come along soon to
As to you all wondering why you're not ALL being "Raptured" too...well...what the Angels are telling me is that your faith just wasn't...uh...FAITHY enough. Well, that and the fact that it turns out that Heaven is kinda like a gated community, and you buggers are kinda like the Pizza boys...you can come in to bring me lots of good stuff, but in the end you still can't live there, y'know? And all that stuff you've always heard about St. Peter keeping the book? Well, he's really just a glorified bouncer ("glorified"-damn, that's pretty funny!) and he ain't gonna let y'all in, even if you say you know me. Don't feel bad about it...even Kirk Cameron got screwed over...bet he's mad as hell, especially after all those "Left Behind" movies. Gee, Kirk, I guess you helped make all that sappy, sucky cinema for NOTHING! PSYCH! Sorry...I don't make the rules...I just make money teaching 'em to you poor ass clowns!
Well...the Angels are starting to get pissed at the delay, so I'd better go. Don't be angry about the money...I mean, seriously...you guys gave me all your money and quit your jobs...just because a pension-aged Mathmetician (I know...not a good one!) told you to do it? I mean, if it hadn't been me taking your money, it would've been some other religious huckster, or maybe some Nigerian scam. Jeezy Chreezy...folks like you make it just too damned easy. People like you make me think that Sarah Palin might actually have a goddamn chance in 2012. What the hell is your malfunction, you crazy b-yotches?
Hmmm...wait...what's this? My wife is telling me she's NOT going? Woo hoo...SCORE! That should make getting some action up there a lot easier for the Campster. Huh? Whatta you mean, you're not Angels? Are you shitting me? Wait, what's that freakin' hypodermic for? Oh, man, that is COLD, Shirley....really cold. Not only am I NOT going to Heaven...but she's having me strait-jacketed and admitted to Camarillo on a recommendation from Dr. Phil...SONOVABITCH! Bad enough to be stuck in the nuthatch...but to be there on a word from a friggin' TV shrink? Whatsa matter, Phil...Britney too sane for you to fuck with nowadays?
The ol' ball and chain says that she's had it with me and my asshat predictions and is gonna take the money and hit the road with Pat Robertson. Boy...you keep a woman in her place for 39 years and this is how she pays you back...goddamn Feminazis...Rush was right. God shoulda left our ribs alone, and let us just keep on wankin' it...we'd have been alot better off...or maybe instead of Him creating women, we could've all just been homos...I mean, they do it in prison, right? She's telling me now that they gay it up in the booby hatch too...I guess it's true that God never closes a door but that he opens a window...better start workin' my helicopter, can I get a what what?
Well...guess that's it. Who'da thunk it? The Rapture's an epic FAIL, my ol' lady's taking it on the lam with a crazy-ass Republican (to his credit, he does have a TV Show) and I'm on the way to the Goodyear Hilton. This totes sucks, man...but hey...at least there'll be a whole new crop of believers there in Camarillo. Just gimme a calendar, a Bible and a calculator...I feel a Rapture comin' on!
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