Boy, it's true what your momma always told you about wearing clean underwear...can you imagine if, when the unbelievers find the believer's clothes left behind, they found skidmarks?
I'm taking the money...I mean, c'MON! I figure it oughta be enough to get me that seat on the Right Hand of God...or at least to park half a cheek on a heavenly barstool. By now you all know that I've made millions off of you all...I know the IRS hosed me by releasing those numbers to the media...boy, was I pissed! It's not like it wasn't necessary...I mean, Viagra is damned expensive, and finding young women who don't mind shtupping an old guy costs some cheddar too. Good porn is pretty damned dear these days as well.
Not that young women were all I wanted...I mean, it's true what Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg said on their latest SNL Digital Short...It's Not Gay If It's In A Threesome (and the girls really DO like ‘helicopter dick’...except my helicopter suffers these days from blade droop, know what I'm sayin'?) I mean, with enough coke and enough X, you can get pretty much anything you want.
The ol' lady wasn't happy...I had to keep reminding her to have faith...BLIND faith...as in "Look the other way while the Sacred Head of your Household is gettin' some"! She was okay with it in the beginning...I mean, she figured it saved HER the mess and the aggravation...but as time went on, she started needing Rufies in her Ovaltine every night...then every afternoon too.
She suspected something was going on when she woke up once to see us all sitting there naked, eating pizza and hitting the bong...but I told her it was a dream sent from the Devil...and she BELIEVED ME! You gotta love this "Man rules the house" thing in religion...it really makes things a lot easier when I'm hitting some little Lindsay Lohan analog in the gourmet kitchen (that was thanks to your donations, too...booyah!).
But I digress...before I go, there are some things I need to mention. Apparently I was off on my calculations by a day...my bad! Here was I, being all pissed off when Judgment Day came and went and NO RAPTURE...not even a friggin' "good mood" for fuck's sake. Then when I heard on the news about the Volcano in Finland...or Iceland...shit, I dunno...never could keep those Bjork-sounding mo-fo's straight...anyway, I looked at the wife and said "Shit howdy, Shirl...I must've cocked the date up again...it must actually be TODAY!".
Guess I was off a bit when I said it would begin in Asia, too...what can I say? Geography was never my strong suit...nor, I guess, was Math...color me sheepish, since I was a Mathematician and engineer before I figured out that Religion was where the money really is. I had only said it would start in Asia because I thought they surely had it coming for being Buddhists and shit...and surely God would want to start his reaping there...who knew God was a Reapist? Sorry...just trying to get a few more yuks in before being hauled up to Heaven...I understand they're pretty humorless up there.
Anyway...since I'm leaving with all y'all's money, I can understand that you might be having some crisis of Faith...but don't. SOMEONE will come along soon to
As to you all wondering why you're not ALL being "Raptured" too...well...what the Angels are telling me is that your faith just wasn't...uh...FAITHY enough. Well, that and the fact that it turns out that Heaven is kinda like a gated community, and you buggers are kinda like the Pizza boys...you can come in to bring me lots of good stuff, but in the end you still can't live there, y'know? And all that stuff you've always heard about St. Peter keeping the book? Well, he's really just a glorified bouncer ("glorified"-damn, that's pretty funny!) and he ain't gonna let y'all in, even if you say you know me. Don't feel bad about it...even Kirk Cameron got screwed over...bet he's mad as hell, especially after all those "Left Behind" movies. Gee, Kirk, I guess you helped make all that sappy, sucky cinema for NOTHING! PSYCH! Sorry...I don't make the rules...I just make money teaching 'em to you poor ass clowns!
Well...the Angels are starting to get pissed at the delay, so I'd better go. Don't be angry about the money...I mean, seriously...you guys gave me all your money and quit your jobs...just because a pension-aged Mathmetician (I know...not a good one!) told you to do it? I mean, if it hadn't been me taking your money, it would've been some other religious huckster, or maybe some Nigerian scam. Jeezy Chreezy...folks like you make it just too damned easy. People like you make me think that Sarah Palin might actually have a goddamn chance in 2012. What the hell is your malfunction, you crazy b-yotches?
Hmmm...wait...what's this? My wife is telling me she's NOT going? Woo hoo...SCORE! That should make getting some action up there a lot easier for the Campster. Huh? Whatta you mean, you're not Angels? Are you shitting me? Wait, what's that freakin' hypodermic for? Oh, man, that is COLD, Shirley....really cold. Not only am I NOT going to Heaven...but she's having me strait-jacketed and admitted to Camarillo on a recommendation from Dr. Phil...SONOVABITCH! Bad enough to be stuck in the nuthatch...but to be there on a word from a friggin' TV shrink? Whatsa matter, Phil...Britney too sane for you to fuck with nowadays?
The ol' ball and chain says that she's had it with me and my asshat predictions and is gonna take the money and hit the road with Pat Robertson. Boy...you keep a woman in her place for 39 years and this is how she pays you back...goddamn Feminazis...Rush was right. God shoulda left our ribs alone, and let us just keep on wankin' it...we'd have been alot better off...or maybe instead of Him creating women, we could've all just been homos...I mean, they do it in prison, right? She's telling me now that they gay it up in the booby hatch too...I guess it's true that God never closes a door but that he opens a window...better start workin' my helicopter, can I get a what what?
Well...guess that's it. Who'da thunk it? The Rapture's an epic FAIL, my ol' lady's taking it on the lam with a crazy-ass Republican (to his credit, he does have a TV Show) and I'm on the way to the Goodyear Hilton. This totes sucks, man...but hey...at least there'll be a whole new crop of believers there in Camarillo. Just gimme a calendar, a Bible and a calculator...I feel a Rapture comin' on!
No comments:
Post a Comment
This entry, as all of my entries, is completely my work (with the exception of links and shares) and is my opinion alone. I don’t mind a bit if people disagree with me; all I ask is that you do it in a reasonably civil fashion, out of respect for all intelligent, decent humans. Thanks!